Over a month ago, I posted about
our bedtime headaches. Since that time, I received advice from many of you, as well as a request to share what I learned to help those of you who related to our experiences. Here is my report:
We started out trying all sorts of suggestions. I really liked the suggestion of one reader to have them stand in the corner if they chose to not lay in their beds (yes, Molly, I'm about to butcher the lie/lay rule here). That made sense to me. This is time to lie in your bed. If you don't feel like lying in your bed, you may stand in the corner.
Unfortunately, the girls would seek opportunities to stand in the corner. And they wouldn't stand. I would have to stay up there with them enforcing the consequence. For a couple hours. So that one didn't work for us. I still love the idea, for those it can work for.
Another night, I decided that if they didn't feel like staying in their beds, they would then have to do what mommy was doing. It wasn't play time, it was work time. So I put them to work. I had them do all sorts of chores until I could literally not think of another chore to do. I made it as un-fun as possible. Unfortunately, they thought this was WONDERFUL and couldn't wait until the next night when they could work again. So that didn't work so well either.
I talked to my sister, my mom, everyone to get a grasp on things and finally my mom suggested something she has suggested many times in the past. Her advice was this: read the book
Children: The Challenge by Rudolf Dreikurs. I heard her suggesting this when I was growing up and I always took offense to it. Maybe that's why I never took her up on her advice in the last couple years. But growing up, I thought the book was called Children the Challenge, as in children were the challenge. Now I understand it is Children: The Challenge, as in the challenges of raising children. Symantics, but it made a difference in my approach.
Anyway, the book was written in the 1960s and is WAY outdated. Almost every example has to do with a parent "thrashing" their child or "whipping" them. Other examples are just too picture perfect and unrelateable. But that doesn't change the correct principles that are taught in the book. I was so frustrated for the first 60 pages because I kept thinking "YES! I get that!" but I'd never get a suggestion about what to do about it. However, once the practical applications started flowing, I was able to implement a lot of things and we saw almost immediate changes in our family.
A few of the principles I like the most (which, of course, I learned as a Child Development major in college...but are hard to remember in the thick of raising kids) are these:
1. A misbehaving child is a discouraged child
2. Don't give undue attention
3. Win cooperation--don't force it (this one is HARD)
4. Withdraw from the conflict
5. Never do for a child what she can do for herself
Basically, every child seeks attention thru various means. When they are seeking attention inappropriately or at inappropriate times (like you're on the phone or in the middle of a meeting), they are seeking undue attention. When we respond to their attempts, we reinforce the negative behavior by letting them know that they can indeed get our attention in that way, even if the attention they are receiving is negative (like yelling, getting angry, etc.). They will seek any way to get and keep your attention focused on them.
So our attempt to have them stand in the corner was completely ineffective because it still got them exactly what they wanted: our presence and continued involvement.
I could see that Keara was definitely a discouraged child. She kept seeking attention by being afraid of school...until we stopped paying attention to her whines. She was acting abominably at bedtime because she wanted mommy to stay longer. She would throw fits whenever I was talking to anyone else or on the phone to get my attention. It was frustrating because no amount of positive attention given to her would reduce her inappropriate attempts to get undue attention. However, once we started not giving undue attention and withdrawing from her attempts, she stopped seeking attention thru those means.
AND, since that time, she has gone to bed well every single night AND has walked right into her classroom at school without clinging to my arm. She needed to be redirected on how to seek and gain attention. We have had better days as a family in the last couple weeks than we've ever had, as we've implemented some of these changes in how we interact with our children. The peace and lack of frustration has been a welcome change.
As for Taryn, who is my busy body, she has also gone to bed well every night in the last couple weeks, though some nights she needs a little extra help. Still, like tonight, we started bedtime at 6:45 (meaning, get jammies on, brush teeth, etc.) and I was out of their room at 7:15. Amazing.
Oh, and our current nighttime routine is this. The girls have the time that I am putting Avery down to put on their pajamas, brush their teeth, go potty, and look at books. They need to do this quietly and calmly. If they choose to cooperate, then we have enough time to do snuggle time. One girl stays on the couch reading while the other comes to mommy's room for a couple books, prayers, talking, and snuggle time...about 10 minutes. Then they switch. Sometimes, one is calm and the other isn't. If she chooses to not cooperate to make bedtime successful, that is her choice. But I will not be able to snuggle with her.
After snuggle time, we go upstairs and they get in their beds. I kiss them goodnight and tell them I will be back in 5 minutes. We were noticing that when we would finish bedtime right when we brought them upstairs, they would be back downstairs within 5 minutes. So we flipped it. They can lie quietly in their beds for 5 minutes and then I will come back up with their water and I will lay with them and scratch their backs for a couple minutes. If they choose to get out of bed and play instead, I cannot lay with them because, afterall, they are not in their beds.
One BIG component of this book is that you need to be firm. It is SO easy to say "Oh, you got back in your bed, so I'll give you another chance." But I really like how the book teaches that the child can try again the next night, not tonight. They already made their choice for tonight. If you continually say, okay, you did it, forget the result of your choices, then they will always be pushing to see how far they can go before cooperating.
Anyway, since flipping the 5 minutes, they have not come downstairs to go to the bathroom, which they were doing every night. They aren't calling us, and they are lying still. Taryn is so still and so calm by the time we come back that she is practically asleep. What an amazing change, when she was always so wired every single night.
I don't know if this will help you, but if you find yourself at your wits end about anything behavior-wise with your kids, just give the book a shot. Take it with a grain of salt, but remember that these are solid principles from the past...that haven't been tainted by the permissive, overprotective, over indulging parent patterns of today. So, just try it, I guess.
