Bedtime Battle--Part II

Over a month ago, I posted about our bedtime headaches.  Since that time, I received advice from many of you, as well as a request to share what I learned to help those of you who related to our experiences.  Here is my report:
We started out trying all sorts of suggestions.  I really liked the suggestion of one reader to have them stand in the corner if they chose to not lay in their beds (yes, Molly, I'm about to butcher the lie/lay rule here).  That made sense to me.  This is time to lie in your bed.  If you don't feel like lying in your bed, you may stand in the corner. 

Unfortunately, the girls would seek opportunities to stand in the corner.  And they wouldn't stand.  I would have to stay up there with them enforcing the consequence.  For a couple hours.  So that one didn't work for us.  I still love the idea, for those it can work for.

Another night, I decided that if they didn't feel like staying in their beds, they would then have to do what mommy was doing.  It wasn't play time, it was work time.  So I put them to work.  I had them do all sorts of chores until I could literally not think of another chore to do.  I made it as un-fun as possible.  Unfortunately, they thought this was WONDERFUL and couldn't wait until the next night when they could work again.  So that didn't work so well either.

I talked to my sister, my mom, everyone to get a grasp on things and finally my mom suggested something she has suggested many times in the past.  Her advice was this: read the book Children: The Challenge by Rudolf Dreikurs.  I heard her suggesting this when I was growing up and I always took offense to it.  Maybe that's why I never took her up on her advice in the last couple years.  But growing up, I thought the book was called Children the Challenge, as in children were the challenge.  Now I understand it is Children: The Challenge, as in the challenges of raising children.  Symantics, but it made a difference in my approach.

Anyway, the book was written in the 1960s and is WAY outdated.  Almost every example has to do with a parent "thrashing" their child or "whipping" them.  Other examples are just too picture perfect and unrelateable.  But that doesn't change the correct principles that are taught in the book.  I was so frustrated for the first 60 pages because I kept thinking "YES!  I get that!" but I'd never get a suggestion about what to do about it.  However, once the practical applications started flowing, I was able to implement a lot of things and we saw almost immediate changes in our family.

A few of the principles I like the most (which, of course, I learned as a Child Development major in college...but are hard to remember in the thick of raising kids) are these:

1. A misbehaving child is a discouraged child
2. Don't give undue attention

3. Win cooperation--don't force it (this one is HARD)
4. Withdraw from the conflict
5. Never do for a child what she can do for herself


Basically, every child seeks attention thru various means.  When they are seeking attention inappropriately or at inappropriate times (like you're on the phone or in the middle of a meeting), they are seeking undue attention.  When we respond to their attempts, we reinforce the negative behavior by letting them know that they can indeed get our attention in that way, even if the attention they are receiving is negative (like yelling, getting angry, etc.).  They will seek any way to get and keep your attention focused on them.

So our attempt to have them stand in the corner was completely ineffective because it still got them exactly what they wanted: our presence and continued involvement. 

I could see that Keara was definitely a discouraged child.  She kept seeking attention by being afraid of school...until we stopped paying attention to her whines.  She was acting abominably at bedtime because she wanted mommy to stay longer.  She would throw fits whenever I was talking to anyone else or on the phone to get my attention.  It was frustrating because no amount of positive attention given to her would reduce her inappropriate attempts to get undue attention.  However, once we started not giving undue attention and withdrawing from her attempts, she stopped seeking attention thru those means.

AND, since that time, she has gone to bed well every single night AND has walked right into her classroom at school without clinging to my arm.  She needed to be redirected on how to seek and gain attention.  We have had better days as a family in the last couple weeks than we've ever had, as we've implemented some of these changes in how we interact with our children.  The peace and lack of frustration has been a welcome change.

As for Taryn, who is my busy body, she has also gone to bed well every night in the last couple weeks, though some nights she needs a little extra help.  Still, like tonight, we started bedtime at 6:45 (meaning, get jammies on, brush teeth, etc.) and I was out of their room at 7:15.  Amazing.

Oh, and our current nighttime routine is this.  The girls have the time that I am putting Avery down to put on their pajamas, brush their teeth, go potty, and look at books.  They need to do this quietly and calmly.  If they choose to cooperate, then we have enough time to do snuggle time.  One girl stays on the couch reading while the other comes to mommy's room for a couple books, prayers, talking, and snuggle time...about 10 minutes.  Then they switch.  Sometimes, one is calm and the other isn't.  If she chooses to not cooperate to make bedtime successful, that is her choice.  But I will not be able to snuggle with her. 

After snuggle time, we go upstairs and they get in their beds.  I kiss them goodnight and tell them I will be back in 5 minutes.  We were noticing that when we would finish bedtime right when we brought them upstairs, they would be back downstairs within 5 minutes.  So we flipped it.  They can lie quietly in their beds for 5 minutes and then I will come back up with their water and I will lay with them and scratch their backs for a couple minutes.  If they choose to get out of bed and play instead, I cannot lay with them because, afterall, they are not in their beds. 

One BIG component of this book is that you need to be firm.  It is SO easy to say "Oh, you got back in your bed, so I'll give you another chance."  But I really like how the book teaches that the child can try again the next night, not tonight.  They already made their choice for tonight.  If you continually say, okay, you did it, forget the result of your choices, then they will always be pushing to see how far they can go before cooperating. 

Anyway, since flipping the 5 minutes, they have not come downstairs to go to the bathroom, which they were doing every night.  They aren't calling us, and they are lying still.  Taryn is so still and so calm by the time we come back that she is practically asleep.  What an amazing change, when she was always so wired every single night. 

I don't know if this will help you, but if you find yourself at your wits end about anything behavior-wise with your kids, just give the book a shot.  Take it with a grain of salt, but remember that these are solid principles from the past...that haven't been tainted by the permissive, overprotective, over indulging parent patterns of today.  So, just try it, I guess. 

Seriously, This is Getting Old

I know you're all tired of my posts being pleas for advice, but I appreciate the insights and ideas from those who have gone before.  Today's issue is not new and I'm sure I've posted about it before.  But I am at the end of my rope again!  I am SO sick of this that I think I just might scream.  We've been battling this problem for literally 3 years. 

I hate, with the deepest passion, HATE bedtime in our home.  Let me describe our day:

6:45 am-All the girls get up
7:15 am-Out the door to take Keara to school
8:05 am-Back home with T and A to get ready, have our adventure, etc.
11 am-Lunch
11:30 am-Naps/Quiet Time
1:45 pm-In the car to get Keara from school
2:30 pm-Home again for snacks
3-3:30 pm-Rest time (no sleeping, just alone time so Keara can unwind from school)
3:30-4 pm- Individual Chores/play time
4-4:30 pm-Mommy and me time/play time
4:30-4:45 pm-Scriptures
4:45-5:30 pm-play time while dinner is made
5:30 pm-Dinner time
6:00-6:15 pm-Dinner chores, pajamas on, teeth brushed, etc.
6:15-6:30 pm- Reading time
6:30 pm-Bedtime routine

Between 6:30 and 7 pm, we read either stories or, lately, a chapter or two from a classic.  While we read, I have soft music playing.  After reading, lately I've laid down with T & K and scratched their backs, talked about the day, or just snuggled for about 10 minutes each.  Then I kiss them goodnight and leave. 

Sounds like a good day and a good bedtime routine, right?

WRONG.  After I leave, it's like they think it's party time.  They get out of their beds, come down to go potty AGAIN, get in each others beds, run around the room, laugh, play...And the thing that really gets me is when Keara has this delight in her eyes that she's frustrating me.  It drives me crazy and really makes me mad.

We've tried everything:
*Letting them just enjoy being sisters and not worrying about how long it takes for them to go down.  But with our early schedule, if they're not getting enough sleep, they are monsters!  Keara loses her ability to function around 6:15 every night.
*Discussing the natural and logical consequences of their choosing to not go to sleep: being tired, needing extra rest time instead of play time the next day, having a hard time getting up in the morning.
*Deciding on ways to help them go to sleep.  Their suggestion was lay with them and scratch their backs.  Obviously, that's not working.
*Getting upset.  Obviously it doesn't work very well, but often times it at least gets them to stop their behavior long enough to shift and actually go to sleep.
*Enforcing completely illogical consequences: lose your blanket, for example.  This one was very effective because it shocked them into wanting to earn it back, but it always rubbed me wrong because it made no sense.
*Separating them and letting them fall asleep in different rooms and then moving them after they were asleep.  Yes, this worked really well.  But I don't believe it is the answer.  They need to learn to go to sleep together and to make the choice.  We can't have every girl in a separate room forever and they need to figure this out.
*Earlier bedtime or later bedtime.  But now with Keara in school, they can't go to bed any later than they are because they are so exhausted by 6:30 they can hardly function and otherwise Keara can't function the next day.
*Telling them they can have mommy/daddy time but if they don't go to bed well while the other has their personal time, then they lose their next turn.
*Bribery: If you go to bed well for 20 days, we can earn a trip to grandma's (that worked well, but after the trip, they completely regressed).  If you go to bed well two nights in a row, you can earn one PBS show.  That worked for 2 nights. 
*Laying with them until they fall asleep.  But I honestly cannot spend an hour every night laying with them waiting for them to fall asleep.  While this may be effective, it is not practical.  Plus, there have been several nights where they simply won't fall asleep with me there.

Once they are asleep, they are stars.  They rarely, if ever, get up in the night.  And if they do start on that habit, it lasts a day or two and then they're back to sleeping perfectly all night.  So it is truly only going to bed.  You could say we need to help them calm down, but they are completely calm by the time we leave their room.  And then they go wild.  Tonight, it has been 2 hours since I left their room and they are finally asleep. 

We'll come up with an idea and it'll work for a day or two and then it'll stop working.  I need a permanent solution.  Something that truly works.  I feel like there isn't a soul in the world who has this problem.  I know of plenty of people whose kids won't stay asleep or who wake up too early or wake up too often, but I feel completely lost in this problem. 

I know a big part of the problem is that Taryn is hyperactive and takes a really long time to fall asleep.  When she sleeps alone, she does great.  But having someone else in the room is really hard for her.  Lately, though, Keara has been just as big of a problem.  So I can't blame Taryn completely, though I know that Keara probably feeds off Taryn's energy. 

So, if you have a great answer, something that has truly worked for you, please suggest it.  Or email me at bradenandcheri at gmail dot com.  I am at a complete loss.  Ask around, get advice, whatever.  I need help.