I know you're all tired of my posts being pleas for advice, but I appreciate the insights and ideas from those who have gone before. Today's issue is not new and I'm sure I've posted about it before. But I am at the end of my rope again! I am SO sick of this that I think I just might scream. We've been battling this problem for literally 3 years.
I hate, with the deepest passion, HATE bedtime in our home. Let me describe our day:
6:45 am-All the girls get up
7:15 am-Out the door to take Keara to school
8:05 am-Back home with T and A to get ready, have our adventure, etc.
11 am-Lunch
11:30 am-Naps/Quiet Time
1:45 pm-In the car to get Keara from school
2:30 pm-Home again for snacks
3-3:30 pm-Rest time (no sleeping, just alone time so Keara can unwind from school)
3:30-4 pm- Individual Chores/play time
4-4:30 pm-Mommy and me time/play time
4:30-4:45 pm-Scriptures
4:45-5:30 pm-play time while dinner is made
5:30 pm-Dinner time
6:00-6:15 pm-Dinner chores, pajamas on, teeth brushed, etc.
6:15-6:30 pm- Reading time
6:30 pm-Bedtime routine
Between 6:30 and 7 pm, we read either stories or, lately, a chapter or two from a classic. While we read, I have soft music playing. After reading, lately I've laid down with T & K and scratched their backs, talked about the day, or just snuggled for about 10 minutes each. Then I kiss them goodnight and leave.
Sounds like a good day and a good bedtime routine, right?
WRONG. After I leave, it's like they think it's party time. They get out of their beds, come down to go potty AGAIN, get in each others beds, run around the room, laugh, play...And the thing that really gets me is when Keara has this delight in her eyes that she's frustrating me. It drives me crazy and really makes me mad.
We've tried everything:
*Letting them just enjoy being sisters and not worrying about how long it takes for them to go down. But with our early schedule, if they're not getting enough sleep, they are monsters! Keara loses her ability to function around 6:15 every night.
*Discussing the natural and logical consequences of their choosing to not go to sleep: being tired, needing extra rest time instead of play time the next day, having a hard time getting up in the morning.
*Deciding on ways to help them go to sleep. Their suggestion was lay with them and scratch their backs. Obviously, that's not working.
*Getting upset. Obviously it doesn't work very well, but often times it at least gets them to stop their behavior long enough to shift and actually go to sleep.
*Enforcing completely illogical consequences: lose your blanket, for example. This one was very effective because it shocked them into wanting to earn it back, but it always rubbed me wrong because it made no sense.
*Separating them and letting them fall asleep in different rooms and then moving them after they were asleep. Yes, this worked really well. But I don't believe it is the answer. They need to learn to go to sleep together and to make the choice. We can't have every girl in a separate room forever and they need to figure this out.
*Earlier bedtime or later bedtime. But now with Keara in school, they can't go to bed any later than they are because they are so exhausted by 6:30 they can hardly function and otherwise Keara can't function the next day.
*Telling them they can have mommy/daddy time but if they don't go to bed well while the other has their personal time, then they lose their next turn.
*Bribery: If you go to bed well for 20 days, we can earn a trip to grandma's (that worked well, but after the trip, they completely regressed). If you go to bed well two nights in a row, you can earn one PBS show. That worked for 2 nights.
*Laying with them until they fall asleep. But I honestly cannot spend an hour every night laying with them waiting for them to fall asleep. While this may be effective, it is not practical. Plus, there have been several nights where they simply won't fall asleep with me there.
Once they are asleep, they are stars. They rarely, if ever, get up in the night. And if they do start on that habit, it lasts a day or two and then they're back to sleeping perfectly all night. So it is truly only going to bed. You could say we need to help them calm down, but they are completely calm by the time we leave their room. And then they go wild. Tonight, it has been 2 hours since I left their room and they are finally asleep.
We'll come up with an idea and it'll work for a day or two and then it'll stop working. I need a permanent solution. Something that truly works. I feel like there isn't a soul in the world who has this problem. I know of plenty of people whose kids won't stay asleep or who wake up too early or wake up too often, but I feel completely lost in this problem.
I know a big part of the problem is that Taryn is hyperactive and takes a really long time to fall asleep. When she sleeps alone, she does great. But having someone else in the room is really hard for her. Lately, though, Keara has been just as big of a problem. So I can't blame Taryn completely, though I know that Keara probably feeds off Taryn's energy.
So, if you have a great answer, something that has truly worked for you, please suggest it. Or email me at bradenandcheri at gmail dot com. I am at a complete loss. Ask around, get advice, whatever. I need help.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
I Do.
Wow, time flies. I can't believe it's been almost 2 weeks since I wrote that post. We're now into our third week of school and I have some advice in response to my last request for advice.
I realized, at the start of her second week of school, that Keara had switched from being truly nervous, to enjoying the attention she was receiving by not liking school, by clinging, and by crying. She got sympathy from everyone...me, Braden, her teachers, her grandmas, everyone. And we were talking about it with everyone, seeking advice.
But when I stopped and paid attention to the whole picture, I realized that the sympathy and attention was actually perpetuating the problem. So we flipped a switch and overnight, the problem changed. That's not to say it went away, but immediately, we had less whining, less clinging, less crying. She's gone 4 days of no tears at all and comes home much happier and excited about school. The mornings aren't spent telling us that she doesn't want to go, but talking about what is going on that day.
What did we do? We stopped paying attention to her complaints. When she would say, "I don't want to go to school," we'd reply with "We understand. Please get in the shower (or get dressed, or go to bed, or eat your breakfast, or whatever)." We didn't dwell on the complaint. And we explained to her teacher what we were doing and she jumped on board, not dwelling on Keara's crying, but moving on to the next thing.
I didn't want Keara to think we didn't care, so we switched to focusing on the positive, like when she is happy, when she goes to school easily, when she has a great day. Or simply on the great parts of school instead of the bad parts. Once we took the wind out of her sails, per say, she started gliding and doing so much better.
I'm grateful for inspiration and a Father in Heaven who not only loves me, but loves my daughter and inspires me and Braden on how to raise her best. This advice has been extremely helpful.
I realized, at the start of her second week of school, that Keara had switched from being truly nervous, to enjoying the attention she was receiving by not liking school, by clinging, and by crying. She got sympathy from everyone...me, Braden, her teachers, her grandmas, everyone. And we were talking about it with everyone, seeking advice.
But when I stopped and paid attention to the whole picture, I realized that the sympathy and attention was actually perpetuating the problem. So we flipped a switch and overnight, the problem changed. That's not to say it went away, but immediately, we had less whining, less clinging, less crying. She's gone 4 days of no tears at all and comes home much happier and excited about school. The mornings aren't spent telling us that she doesn't want to go, but talking about what is going on that day.
What did we do? We stopped paying attention to her complaints. When she would say, "I don't want to go to school," we'd reply with "We understand. Please get in the shower (or get dressed, or go to bed, or eat your breakfast, or whatever)." We didn't dwell on the complaint. And we explained to her teacher what we were doing and she jumped on board, not dwelling on Keara's crying, but moving on to the next thing.
I didn't want Keara to think we didn't care, so we switched to focusing on the positive, like when she is happy, when she goes to school easily, when she has a great day. Or simply on the great parts of school instead of the bad parts. Once we took the wind out of her sails, per say, she started gliding and doing so much better.
I'm grateful for inspiration and a Father in Heaven who not only loves me, but loves my daughter and inspires me and Braden on how to raise her best. This advice has been extremely helpful.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Any Advice?
You already know how the first day of school went. The second day started with "I don't want to go to school today." But she survived, even though she cried again at the beginning. But today started with "I dont' want to go to school today. Please don't make me," and hiding in the corner, not helping get dressed, dragging her feet every step to the car.
I asked her why, what was happening, and she told me she doesn't have anyone to sit with at lunch, how she's afraid of the whistle at recess and gym, how a couple boys have pushed her, how she's the only one who cries, how everyone else knows each other already and she feels new.
I tried really hard to focus on the good parts of school, how Heavenly Father can help her, how she can reach out and be a friend, how she's not the only one who is afraid, how she can find a friend to sit with at lunch. But nothing hleped. When I took her to her classroom this morning, the tears came, she clung to me, and she begged me to take her back home.
Even though I know exactly how she's feeling, I don't know how to help her thru this. I know it takes time, that next week will be better, and then next week will be better than that, and so forth. But what can I do to help her thru this every morning? When she comes home from school, she loved it. But in the morning, she's nervous, afraid, and doesn't want to go.
Have you had experience with this? What have you done that has helped? I really would appreciate any help you might have.
I asked her why, what was happening, and she told me she doesn't have anyone to sit with at lunch, how she's afraid of the whistle at recess and gym, how a couple boys have pushed her, how she's the only one who cries, how everyone else knows each other already and she feels new.
I tried really hard to focus on the good parts of school, how Heavenly Father can help her, how she can reach out and be a friend, how she's not the only one who is afraid, how she can find a friend to sit with at lunch. But nothing hleped. When I took her to her classroom this morning, the tears came, she clung to me, and she begged me to take her back home.
Even though I know exactly how she's feeling, I don't know how to help her thru this. I know it takes time, that next week will be better, and then next week will be better than that, and so forth. But what can I do to help her thru this every morning? When she comes home from school, she loved it. But in the morning, she's nervous, afraid, and doesn't want to go.
Have you had experience with this? What have you done that has helped? I really would appreciate any help you might have.
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