How Clothes Affect Me

I distinctly remember being in 6th grade wearing a cream/orange/white plaid dress to school with leggings.  I loved the dress and I thought I looked good.  But then someone teased me in the hall.  I felt my face flush, my heart race, and I was humiliated.  I went to class, but was so embarrassed, sure that everyone was looking at me and thinking the same thing.  I suddenly felt ugly.  I couldn't concentrate on anything but keeping the tears at bay.  Finally, I got up the courage to ask Mrs. Gustafson if I could go to the hall.  She understood more than I spoke and I went to call my mom.  She came and picked me up, took me home to change, and brought me back to school.  While I was still embarrassed, I felt so much better.

Silly or not, I have always felt my self-confidence affected by the clothes I wear.  If I feel ugly in what I'm wearing, it doesn't matter how anything goes that day or what anyone says.  I am going to go all day long constantly pulling, tugging, hiding because of my clothes.  I am not going to walk tall, or say the right thing or feel like a success in anything I do because I feel ugly.  Do you ever feel that way?

You may hate me by this admission, but when I was younger, my parents placed value on looking our best.  We had household chores to do that we didn't get paid for, we didn't get an allowance, or anything like that.  But what we did get was a budget for clothes.  Each month, my parents allotted $10 for every year you were old for clothes.  Just clothes.  So if I was 12, I got $120 per month for clothes.  Why?  Well, because my parents believed in modesty and they didn't want us to feel inhibited by money in order to dress modestly.  They also believed in looking our best all the time.  So wearing cheap clothes that didn't fit or flatter, or that was really worn out was not really appropriate.  Granted, by the time I was a teenager, my parents were doing much better than they were when my brothers were kids.  I doubt they had this arrangement.  Still, my sisters and I benefited from it.

However, I didn't care about clothes.  So I would never spend my money.  I'd go shopping about once every 6 months and spend $200 and be done.  Once in a blue moon, I'd go crazy and spend more, but still it was only twice a year or so.  When I was getting married, my mom suggested that I buy a bunch of clothes before my "budget" ended.  I wish I had really taken her up on that offer.  Up until the day I got married, I had never really wanted for anything.  My parents gave us a life full of responsibilities, work, opportunity, and also supplied all our needs.  I am so grateful for that and hope to do the same for my kids.

But I never knew want.  I guess I should say, I never knew NEED.  Then I got married.  Up to that point, if a pair of pants ripped, I bought a new one.  If my swimming suit didn't flatter me anymore, I bought a new one.  If I suddenly HATED that shirt, I bought a new one.  Now, if my pants ripped, I learned to patch them.  If my swimming suit didn't flatter me, I covered it up with a tank top or t-shirt.  Or I made a skirt to go with it.  If I suddenly hated that shirt, I kept wearing it...or left it in my closet day after day still hating it. 

For some reason, if Braden needs clothes, we buy it, no question.  And we buy new.  Afterall, he needs it for work.  But for me, my wardrobe has not been a priority.  Unfortunately, my body changes every 18 months or so and I never have things that look good on me.  So day after day, I hate getting dressed.  Slowly, I learned how to accept second hand clothes and love them.  It started with clothes for my girls and then maternity clothes that were leant to me.  Over time, I found that if I was miraculously given $50 for clothes, I needed to make it stretch as far as I could.  I needed to buy a years' supply of clothes with that $50. 

I started shopping at Ross.  But, come on.  Ross is cheap clothes, both in price and quality.  So I could buy 6 shirts, 4 pairs of pants, and 2 skirts with that $50, but within 6 months they were either stretched out, faded, or holey.  What's the point of spending money on cheap things?  Still, I couldn't justify spending $50 on a pair of pants and one shirt either.  I needed clothes, and a lot of them to replace last year's worn out wardrobe.A few months ago, I started making my own shirts. It was a work in progress and for a bit there, I had a real passion about it. And I loved what I made. But then I stopped nursing and something weird happened to my body. I immediately gained 5 pounds...within a week. And no matter what I do, its not budging.  It is so not fair.

So suddenly all the shirts I made don't look as good. I have 4 shirts that fit well, and I rotate them day after day. When I was younger, I never dreamed I'd have this problem. I guess because I never had this problem when I was young. I'm grateful for the struggle. I'm grateful for how little we have had because it has taught me so much.  I learned how to sew, how to patch, how to upcycle clothes, how to mend and darn to make things last longer, how to modify and take things in that didn't quite fit right.  I learned how to be content with what I had and just make it do.  Make it do or do without, right?

For a while, I wore one pair of jeans every day because that's all that fit.  I wore those jeans until I had patched the crotch 3 times, patched the knees 2 times, patched the thigh twice, and finally cut them into capris.  Once I wore out the capris, I put them in the mending pile to be turned into a jean quilt someday.  And that was about 2 weeks ago. 

My BFF Jill taught me the joys of shopping at Goodwill.  Whereas I used to only have one pair of jeans, I now have 4 that fit.  And the others, I've learned how to adjust so they fit too.  I've learned that I can spend my $50 on high quality clothes and get more of them by shopping at thrift stores than at Ross and I'm going to be so much happier with it.

Last week, I was in Utah and decided to stop by Provo's Deseret Industries.  When I was in college, I shopped there for gag things...like halloween costumes.  But never for real clothes.  I donated all my clothes there, but never shopped.  To me, DI was dirty.  And everything was from the 80's.  I have a new perspective now.  I thought about it and realized that DI in Provo has the luxury of BYU students donating their clothes.  Most of those students dress modestly and most would probably be my body type and style.  Plus, DI's clothes are WAY cheaper than Goodwill's.  So Kerri and I made a mad dash there and pulled 60-80 things off the shelves, ran into a dressing room and started throwing things on.

In the end, I walked away with one dress for Keara, and one skirt and 14 shirts and sweaters for me.  Most of them are from Aeropostale or similar places, are in good condition, and were $2-$4 each.  Love.  I spent $50.  And I feel beautiful. 

As silly as it may be, clothes matter to me.  I still need Sunday clothes, but for the other 7 days of the week, for the first time in the last six years (tomorrow), I feel satisfied with my wardrobe.

Happy Anniversary, Braden.  This year, I will not ask for clothes.